Libraries taking books off the shelves and books being banned is nothing new. And by that I mean it’s an old practice. No one goes to libraries anymore except homeless people who need to sleep or use the bathroom. Elderly people who need to sleep or use the bathroom.  Myself when I can’t sleep or use the bathroom. And people using the library computers for porn.

Here’s a sample as only Gilbert Gottfried can read it:

The people using the library computers for porn are normally not young people. They have their own computers for porn and it’s easier to use the one at home since mom and dad haven’t installed a web-blocker so the kids don’t have to use proxies and download a bunch of spyware and viruses.   (Mom, Dad, you’re not protecting your kids with web-blocking software; you’re just making it easier for the Chinese to steal your account info.)

So let’s recap. If kids aren’t going to the library to check out books, and they have all the free porn on the internet at home, then why ban E. L. James’, 50 Shades of Grey? It’s not like 5 year old kids are checking it out. And if your 5 year old brings a copy of it home, reads and understands it. Be proud. He’s reading on an 8th grade level! Most 5 year old kids are, if anything, reading Elmo.

Stop bragging Elmo, it’s not that big.

If this book is so controversial then maybe kids, and by that I mean 13, 14, 15 and up, will want to read it. At least they’re reading something. I can find (and most of the time do) hardcore porn at the push of a few keys on any computer. Takes seconds. No imagination involved. But it would take hours upon hours to read a book and get to the good parts. Unless you wen’t to my school where the blank cover page had notes like : “go to page 78, it says ‘bitch’”. (It was like choose your own adventure books for dirty words.)

Go to page 69.

When I was 14, and there are a lot of other guys out there that can relate to this, I had the secret stash of porn. Normally not in the bedroom. My mother was a OCD cleaner and I would have been busted constantly. The porn stash was a community stash. Like if there was a building that you could go to and look at books and magazines for free.

Something like this…

Except our building was a black garbage bag in the woods between a Baptist Church and the Senior High School. You walked past 2 tree stumps and it was buried in the leaves under the big rock shaped like a peanut. (Ladies if you don’t believe that my remembering this is possible… ask your boyfriend/husband where his community porn stash was.) It was based on the honor system. If you took it out; you put it back. (The magazines…) You could imagine the state of most of these periodicals after being kept outside for years. (Yes, years.) A plastic bag can only protect from so much. (You ask a guy that has had a defective condom.)

What’s my point? My point is back in the 1980′s before the internet was in everyone’s home we still found a way to get porn! Now. If someone in 1986 gave me a copy of Tropic of Cancer I probably wouldn’t have watched TV for a month. Back that up with Delta Of Venus and I wold have been in the hospital suffering from friction burns and dehydration. But I would have been reading.

I read a lot as a child and a teen. Now parents and teachers have to compete with the internet and reality TV. Getting a kid to read anything besides a text message or a tweet is hard enough. Put 100 copies of this book in every library. Tell kids that they should never read it. Make the entire front cover a warning label. And kids will be lined up to buy it faster than Harry Potter and the Pre-Op Transsexual. (Out in stores June 32nd.)

Erotic novels, stories and the such have been around since people learned to read and write. The written word is becoming a lost art. (And this website proves it… Manual of Style? What’s a Manual of Style.)  The concerned parents and people who believe sex is dirty and can only be performed in one position through a sheet without looking at the other person in complete darkness during the light of a new moon should realize that not everyone shares their views.

I’m ready for sex.

By taking 50 Shades of Gray out of the libraries means you’re taking it away from adults who now have to sit in Barnes and Noble and read it in front of everyone. (Do you know how difficult it is to order a triple venti white mocha with whip cream while sporting a full on erection?)

Do I think kids should be given porn? No. Can any kid find porn in a matter of .0005 seconds. Today, Yes. Tomorrow it will be faster.

It’s not like they’re putting erotic Dick and Jane books out there… Although:

There may be a market here…

Average Slob

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